I think it was in the Spring when we had both turned sixteen. Maybe it was the Spring after, I can’t quite remember anymore. What I do remember was the crisp, yet warm, air as I walked up the never ending hill to your house with a cigarette in my mouth. I hated that hill, always made me sweaty, but not this day, which is why I’m sure it must have been Spring time.
You had a home study day. You, of course, didn’t need to study this particular day, you were ahead in class, always were, so you invited me over.
It was mid-week, but we decided to carelessly day drink. You messaged an older friend of yours, asking if he could buy us some ciders and beers. He was reluctant at first, he didn’t want to leave his bed, but you offered some extra money and he was in. I chose pomegranate ciders, sweet and tingly on the tongue, the light version of course. I hadn’t eaten and got buzzed fast, happy drunk – we could do anything.
We wanted to see the city and its people in daytime through our slightly intoxicated eyes. You packed a bag with the rest of our alcohol and took out your gray bike. You told me to get on the steering wheel. I remember laughing. Was I really about to sit on your steering wheel down the hill? You reassured me you would take it slow, and you did. The skirt of my floral dress still flew up in the wind, good thing I had pantyhose on.
I was so nervous when we saw the police stationed at the bridge into the city having controls, whispering anxious “oh no”s to you under my breath, trying not to draw any attention. I’m sure my heart stopped beating for a few seconds when an officer actually did stop us, but he just didn’t want us and our wobbly bike on the sidewalk over the bridge. My gait was pretty tense walking away from him, until we looked at each other eyes and started laughing. I loved looking into your dark blue eyes. They were safe.
I guess it was around lunch time when we got to the city centre, cause there were a few people outside. We walked lively around the square and the mall, I was almost jumping, I was filled with so much life, watching and searching for people who might have figured out our secret, but it didn’t seem like they had. It was ours. Then we went to the restrooms and filled our souls with a bit more alcohol. We laughed a lot that day.
We spent the rest of our day in the park dreaming, drinking, smoking. We probably talked a lot about Australia, to where we were going to run away. It was a dream we shared. For the two of us it stayed a dream, we never got that far. But I figured out a while back that you had actually stuck with that dream and had a year abroad. I was happy for you.
Thinking back it was one of the best days I have ever had, I was carefree and living, and now and again I wish I could go back to that day, go back to us, go back to simplicity. It probably wouldn’t have worked out in the long run, or maybe it would have, but I wish I didn’t ruin it on purpose. I wish I hadn’t been so scared when I realised how much you actually loved me, that anyone actually could. I wish I hadn’t pushed you away so harshly. I wish I would allow people to love me.